A belated love story, part 7 ...

Continued from part 6

I was never able to adapt to the humid heat of the Native land. Nor did I ever like our distant relatives who were jealous of my father’s position and money. I recall, I always hated visiting this city... but now I was eager for Alice.

Here I was in the Native land again; it was July 3rd, 1997. Most of my luggage comprised of my best clothes even if they were old fashioned, my dairies full of un mailed letters to Alice and the gifts that I brought for her. I had spent most of the money that my parents had sent me as an allowance on her gifts.

So it was the little bit of me, a little money to go on dates with Alice, if all was well.

My love for Alice like a lone candle burning in the window of a deserted house which was once a banquet hall.
I was conscious about my health and appearance and this feeling started to asphyxiate me when all known faces of the Native Land started (mockingly) comment on what I been reduced to.

Both my parents and my brother were worried about my health.

I felt like a wounded soldier who had lost all his glamour and half his blood but who is somehow dragging himself to castle under siege because he wants to fly his flag and claim victory... I too wanted a victory of the consolation that against all odds that Alice still loves me.

My father started to get the hint when he saw my eagerness to visit Alice’s family. I had never shown such impatience earlier. He agreed to visit them though he knew it was too soon to embark on a social visit... we had come to the Native land just one day ago.

Alice’s mother opened the door to see my entire family at her doorstep after five long years. I was glad that she never commented on my health. She just kept her hand on my shoulders and said, “Good to see you again ... son!”

I was very happy.

“Where is everybody?” I asked.

“He (Alice’s father) is at his office... Alice is at school...”, she said, “She is back to school but this time she is teaching children.” Her mother replied.

Alice got a job as a teacher? WOW! I was happy but I realized that somehow the joy was half felt. What was it that was nagging me? Juanita’s letter?... Naah. By the way Alice’s mother behaved... everything is fine.

We engaged in casual conversations. I found Alice’s mother was looking at me from time to time with an unexplained smile on her face. She was aware that I was studying her looks but she never made any attempt to conceal what she perhaps wanted to convey. I never knew what it was at time. I still remember this event till date. Images of distant memories continuously appear in my mind just as a slide show.

We had to leave, social visits are never extended.. Alice’s mother came to see us off at the door. She then said, “Sudip... come in the evening. Alice will be home at 5... (pm)”
I felt a touch of authority in her voice, did she command me? If she did, she did so to come and see my beloved. I never dared to ask, does Alice still have long hair? We both are twenty two years old now, she must be stunning to look at.

We were home by one o’clock in the afternoon. I had several hours to kill, the yearn to meet Alice was at its maximum. I watched the minutes go by agonizingly... I hardly could eat my lunch.

Finally the time came. I was about to leave for Alice’s house. For the first time I saw traces of worry in my mother’s face. Both I and my mother were aware that if Alice was no longer interested in me, it would be a great emotional shock for both of us. My entire aspirations would disintegrate into pieces and that in turn would also hurt my mother.

That was it; the moment of truth has come!

I do not remember anything that happened on my way to Alice’s house except for the truck which I narrowly missed being run over, while I was crossing the road. The truck sped past by... with driver hurling abuses at me.
Again, Alice’s mother opened the door for me, “Come Sudip!” She said still that command in her tone.

I caught a glimpse of Alice for the first time in five years when she peeped from her room’s window on the floor above.

She came down to shake hands with me. I would have expected an embrace but that is never possible at this stage in front of a parent.

A thought flashed in my mind the very moment I got a closer look of her. She had chopped her hair off to short crop, with strange curls at the back that never reached even her shoulders. This was very normal hair style, but to me it appeared strange. She smiled at me I smiled back and her mother who was standing with us all this while noticed that I was holding Alice’s hand for long enough that she was embarrassed and withdrew her hand. Alice ushered me in to her room upstairs, while her mother, went to make tea as all good mothers do.

Finally I got the chance to show the tip of all treasures I had for her in my bag. There was little soft toy, a lot of sea shells, two audio tape cassettes with choicest love songs in them and several hand written letters that I wrote to her but did not mail them; but above all was small greeting card, which read “a special reminder” on the cover and “I love you” inside.

I slipped it to her and smiled and started to grope in my bag taking out other things I had for her. I laid them down one by one.

“See Alice... I love you like hell!! My God Alice I missed you...”, I said and stood up to gently hold her by her shoulders, “What have you done to your hair?”

This was when I noticed that she was still staring at the little greeting card I gave her blankly. She had not spoken since then. This was when I noticed she looked much older than her age but who cares?

“Say something Alice...”, I was eager.

What she said was the stupidest ¹ thing she could have said in her all her life, she said, “... in these five years. I have changed a lot...”

“Tell me about it... how you notice the change in me...,” I was hinting at my health in ruins, then it was my turn for stupidity... with my heart pounding I said, “What do you mean... did you find someone else?”

“Yes”, she said. Check mate? No it was not a check mate, the game would drag on.

I felt Mount Everest come crashing down on me. I could barely stand, I dropped down on her bed but I was still sitting. I knew not when tears started to roll down my eyes.

“But why...” I stammered, fiercely fighting an urge to break down into a howl, “You said you would do anything for me... you said ... you said when we grow up... we must get married...”

“I did not know what I was ... doing...,” she said and did I notice a smile in her tone? “It was my age... my innocence...”

“What !?!... what happened to that innocence now...”, I fell from the sky.

“It has been five years and you kept no contact...,” She was blaming me for it?

“I did not keep any contact...? The first thing I did when I reached home in 1992 was to write you a letter... to which I never received a reply...”, I found my sorrow gradually transforming into anger, “what the f*** were you doing?”

“You wrote just one...”

“Three... I posted three of them and these I brought for you...”, I was fretting with anger with tears still present on my cheeks; I grabbed the letters that I brought for her, “I wrote these for you and I have three more whole diaries full...”

I said with my teeth gritting. She noticed that I had written words of love, thoughts of care and dreams to be fulfilled in a full scape paper that I had transformed in to a beautiful back ground design. It showed a big heart with a bell inside it.

She had no answer to that, “Sudip... writing letters is not my best thing...”

I interjected, “Alice!!!... Could you not send me a (greeting) card? At least I could have known that you are okay. The reason I mailed only three letters to you is because... I thought you were in trouble because of those...”

She had no answer to that. She quickly tried to change the topic, “But you said, you would come to the Native land every year after that...”

“Alice I am still dependent on my parents...” I told her the truth, “... all I find after coming here is... you found someone else. Damn it!!!”

With that in a flash I tore up all the letters I brought along for her. It was the heights of frustration.

She tried to stop me, “hey... hey.. hey... what are you doing? Why... wait...”

She never expected me to do this. She was shocked at my reaction, “Why the hell did you tear them up...”, she was completely bewildered and went down to pick up the pieces from the ground. I took no notice of her.

“I am leaving Alice... ,” I was about to storm out of the room as I felt ashamed of my own self.

Now I knew the facts. Alice was never serious about me ². What ever happened among us, in 1992 was a life time commitment on my behalf and nothing, but a child’s play for her. I should have stuck to my decision to leave... but I could not, because by the time I stood up to get out of her house and took a few paces towards the door. She ran up to me and stopped me. “Sudip... Sudip... wait ... bloody hell .... will you please stop ?!...”

I tried to push her away but I could not. I truly loved her. If I had pushed her, she would have fallen several feet away.

“Will you wait and listen, Sudip...” her voice was completely different this time. Earlier it was defiant; now she was doen to earth.

“I was joking...”, she said.

“What ...?, ” I stared at her blankly. Still trying to actually believe what she said. But then again, I felt like slapping her hard for such a cruel joke. But I how could I?

She gently took my hand and made me sit on her bed. There were no other furniture. All that was in her room was a table, a cupboard and a broken chair.

“I am sorry ... I did not mean to hurt you, Sudip”, she said, “but what you did was equally bad... you tore all the letters you wrote to me? .. Now I will have to punish you...”

“Haven’t you already? Five years I worshipped you...” before I could complete my sentence, she kissed me. This was something I had been dying to acquire for the last five years. But somehow it felt dry and I could not feel the passion I felt before.

In a reflex that I grabbed her and pinned her down on the bed. There was nothing sexual about it. I had seen my boat of love sink. I wanted to save it. I wanted to keep Alice. I would never let go. I was so deeply in love with her so I grabbed her.

“Tell me the truth Alice..”, I sobbed.

“For God’s sake Sudip... yes I swear on my father... I was joking”, she lay still. Though I seemed convinced for the moment but a doubt lingered in my mind. Is she telling the truth?

“I swear I am not with some one... okay?”, she finally said, “Now will you please get off me?”

I let her go. Alice tryely joking with me but her joke was in a very poor taste.

Alice started to try and calm me down. She started to put the torn pieces of my letters together. She gradually started to ask me how were things at my college. But she also asked about my health. What happened?

I told her, “I guess, I am away from home, irregular sleeping habits and I don’t know why... ³”

A few minutes later Alice’s mother came to the room. She brought tea and a box of delicious cakes.

“They make these cakes around this time. So I went out and got them for you.”, Alice’s mother said, “here have some tea...”

She went out to buy these cakes for me, she is so nice. The atmosphere seemed to change to a pleasant one in her presence.

I was about to take the last sip when she asked, “So what’s your status?”

“I am studying Aeronautical Engineering”, I never mentioned I was failing as well, “I am also under Pilot training and I can fly a Cessna ⁴.”

I saw Alice's eye light up with some kind of a delight. By that time I took out my wallet and extracted my identity card issued by the concerned authority and I handed it to her (Alice's mother). She studied the identity card care fully.

The identity card showed a photograph of me. (The same is included along side.)

Scanning the entire identity card and uniformed photographs are not allowed so I wore a white shirt and a black tie in order to appear as close as possible to a pilot in uniform. Hence the only thing that the photo was missing was the batches or wings in the shoulder.

She was convinced of my potential, Pilots earn good salaries. She knew me right from birth. I had a feeling that she already knows about my candid affair with Alice.

In fact, she did and Alice confirmed it to her that night, but in manner that I never would have expected.

I had to cut my vist to Alice's home short. It was time for her pupils to come home. She was tutoring many of them at home. She said, "Sudip I hate to say this but... it is time for my my students are coming home... I need to go turor them now."

"Cant you take the day off, Alice?", I was still desperate.

"No...", it was flat no from her.

This was yet another hint that she never had been serious about us but I remained totally was oblivious to the fact.

I left her house the later in the evening with a heavy heart burdened with the fact that my failures and the precious time that I was losing would actually ebbing away my chances of uniting with Alice. Not to mention the gap of five years.

When I reached home. My mother asked, "How did you see the wind blow?"

I told her the entire incident including everything.

She was angry, "Get the hell out of this relationship... she is not the girl for you, Sudip ... my boy. Throw her away out your life. I will find someone worth you when it is time..."

"But she kissed me...", I said.

She felt disgusted and angry, "Go take a shower then... she did not mean it, Sudip... throw her out of your life. Brace your self. She is not the one for you... ⁵"

She seemed to have instinctively known that Alice was never serious about me ⁶. She knew girls are more desperate than boys. If she was indeed serious, she would have flooded me with her letters.

I never listened to her as I was still so soaked in love and the events that unfolded confused my judgment till 11th July, 1997.

Continued to part 8

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